All posts by capitanosvamanos

If You Could See Inside My Mind

… You’d probably find a couple of seemingly contradictory layers. On the outside is the assertive, optimistic, passionate, and successful person that is “me” in social situations, that shows through on a first date, and the way that others see me when they watch me from a distance. It’s a construct – but not a facade – that displays who I am and how I want others to experience me… and more than that, it’s the interface by which I’ve found I can influence the world for good. I change Continue reading If You Could See Inside My Mind

The Good and the Bad

I’ve almost posted half a dozen incredibly depressing posts over the last week, only to have my introspection cut short by something that totally lifts (and changes) the mood. The First Presidency Christmas Devotional was a good example. I had had an awful day – bad enough that others IRL (in real life) started to notice – and I was writing a post titled “When I Want a Guy,” in reference to a guy at church who had somehow distracted me from multiple hours of worship. Depression, frustration, str Continue reading The Good and the Bad

Fear of Friendship

I’m trying to befriend a guy I recently met – mainly by finding things we have in common… things we can do together. It’s not a relationship based on attraction; I just need more friends who are already my colleagues. He’s an upstanding guy, and I’m trying to make it work.Slowly I’ve felt like maybe I’m making headway… where headway really isn’t much… getting a response when I talk with him, or coming up, twice, with something that we could do. It’s something… but not much. Continue reading Fear of Friendship

10,000 Reasons I’m Grateful to Be a (Gay) Mormon Guy

1. The Thanksgiving holiday in my family is simple – we have a turkey bowl, dinner, and other traditions, but for the most part it’s just an opportunity to spend time with each other and share the things we are thankful for.2. Thanksgiving is way less stressful when I don’t have to plan around the schedule of my wife’s parents and extended family – just my own.3. The Church teaches that we need to love everyone, in every lesson, every talk, and every manual. There’s no better pla Continue reading 10,000 Reasons I’m Grateful to Be a (Gay) Mormon Guy

The Tenth Leper

Luke 1712 And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:13 And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.14 And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,16 And fell down on his face at his feet, givin Continue reading The Tenth Leper

When Faith Endures

A friend asked me how my dating life is going. That question always leaves me smiling – if only because it usually means the asker hasn’t been on a date in two weeks and wants advice. Inside, it leaves me smiling because, while my dating life definitely isn’t going anywhere soon, it gives the Lord a chance to remind me that someday, I’ll be the person I need to be, and somehow find and fall in love with a girl. And, in the meantime, dating serves as an opportunity to make friends and do missiona Continue reading When Faith Endures


It began in passing. I had dropped in to see a friend who was attending a performance, and the musician on stage began to play his guitar and sing. The melody was catchy, but the words cut to the core, speaking of leaving family, friends, life, problems, and pain behind… and encouraging onlookers to not judge for what they couldn’t see. The words drew tears for me, thinking about people I knew and memories of my own life… I looked around at the audience members and wondered how many of the Continue reading Suicide